Saturday, June 17, 2006

It's over.

Well, it's over. I told Natalie that I'd had enough of her messing about. I honestly wonder how she can ever expect to hold a relationship when she's giving so many mixed signals over every little thing. And this has always been the case - even though we've been seeing eachother for so long, she's never been, well, easy to understand.

Maybe if I explain how this thing started, it might help me get to grips with the situation... it's good to be cathartic, or whatever the word is.

Nat (or Fatty, as I'd affectionately call her - I know, I know, but she loved it) did a few short jobs over in the US for her acting job. Her agent would apparently just tell her to do some short extras work for some ITV show here, a bit of charity work dressed as Pudsey-the-Children-in-Need-bear there, and well, to cut a very long story short it wasn't long before she was working as Princess Amidala on Star Wars.

I was only a kid when I saw that film, but I was mature enough to see that there was something special about her - the way she could take a flat cardboard sheet character and by her evocative acting, turn it into some kind of living, breathing cardboard box kind-of character. Perhaps I'm waffling, but I think you all know what I'm talking about.

So I sent her an email. I just briefly mentioned how inspired I felt after watching this, and how I'd be really interested to know what it was like to work with that Jamaican alien thing with the floppy ears - Sodoku, or whatever his name was. To be honest it was just small talk - but it was good to just communicate with her all the same.

She didn't exactly respond, but instead left a kind of flirtatious silence... it was fairly obvious she was just playing about. I thought it might be worth sending another, but for some reason just left it. I don't know, maybe there were just too many other distractions at the time.

A couple of years later, I spotted her in another of those films, and I couldn't help but send her another mail. And you know what? The same again! There was a wonderful, audible, playful silence from her. So I sent her an email back to say thanks, and you know, a bit more small talk. I let her know about the pig farm, and how it had grown lately, and yup, it was the same again!

Oh Nat, you have no idea how much joy filled my heart when I think back to this time. It wasn't long before this exchange of emails emerged into a daily routine. I could tell her anything in these, and she would always be able to empathize. It really wouldn't take much to know how she felt about me, she didn't have to say, it was always obvious from her lovely, delicate peace.

I know, I guess from what I've described so far she does seem to have been quiet, but I like that in a person. There are too many people in our world who have too much rubbish to say, and are never willing to listen to somebody else. Well, let me just say this plainly - Nat is one great listener. She'd listen to all my woes, my joys and my innermost secrets, and never judge me, tell me to shut up because she's bored... you know what I'm talking about.

Things were going well, and I guess it wasn't long before there was a bit of romance. It was sometimes difficult with the physical distance between us, but using the wonders of the Internet, I could do amazing things like send her 'virtual' flowers and chocolate. And I recommend this to any poor Casanovas by the way - sending a picture of bouquet of roses is not only cheaper than the real thing, but gets the same cute response from the girl! Really, try it.

Sadly things didn't stay that way forever. The pig farm had been suffering (long story, I'll have to leave that for another time), and I had to begin work as a hygienist in the local bacon factory. It was awful - long hours, irritating boss, and a drop in prestige. And when I told this to Nat, I could tell she was concerned. She obviously didn't like the idea of dating a guy of that status, and well, it just became awkward. I'd talk about work every day, and instead of being greeted by a curious attentive interest, I'd just be met by bored sighs.

Anyway, I'll cut this short - she began to ignore the emails. She ignored them! I couldn't believe it - after all we'd been through. And then yesterday, I heard through the grapevine that she'd begun seeing some rich actor guy. No, not a mention to me about this - you're right, I had to hear about it from a friend. The bitterness, the disappointment... I cannot tell you how I felt.

But I woke up today and thought 'I can do better than this', so I sent her one final email. Maybe she'll ignore it, but I wanted to tell her how I felt about all of this mess..

I gotta go now anyhow, but I just felt the need to get all that off my chest. Thanks for sticking with the long read. And thank you Nat. You gave me inspiration, yet you also gave me pain. But that's what it's all about, a rich Lancashire hot-pot of ingredients that make what you and I might call 'life'.